I saw [snort] Johann the other day. He's really fat. For those who don't know [snort] Johann is my former roommate. I peed on his toothbrush because he was fat and I didn't like him. That was probably the meanest thing I've ever done in my life. I'd like to tell [snort] Johann that I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. It would be wrong to lie, even to [snort] Johann.

I'm trying desparately to hang out with my friend Jamie (check her out at http://beingpregnant.tripod.com/images/pics_large/jamie.jpg) who is like this really cool (and pretty cute) older chick. There will be a dialogue that results out of the meeting (if it ever happens). More later.

I'm getting online more, which means that I'm going to probably update this thing once in a while. So hopefully I'll get some readers soon. Maybe I should advertise or something.

Has life got you down? Do people laugh at you like a clown? Are you afraid you might drown? Any time you're getting low, `stead of letting go, just remember that Hank! Whoops there goes another 2x4 plank. Doo doo de doo doomp. Oh God help me.

So there's this guy and his wife, and wifey is all like "Hey do you think I should get a boob job?" And guy is all "I think they could stand to be bigger, but why waste the money. Just rub `em with toilet paper, and they're sure to grow." Wifey is skeptical, but figures it's worth a shot. After several months, wifey is all like "Hey, my boobs ain't grown. Are you sure toilet paper is suppost to make `em get bigger?" And the guy is all like "Hey, it worked on your ass." Hahahahahahahaha! Excuse me while I brood. Later.

Well, I went to celebmatch.com to find out which celebrity I was cosmically destined to do... And the winners are:
Akiko Yada 99%
Estella Warren 99%
Nicole da Silva 97%
Summer Altice 97%
Jen Cook 97%

I don't know who any of these people are.

Love, Hate and the Culkin Family (A Dialogue)

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hank."

"Hello? Who is this?"

"It's me. Maggie."

"Oh. Hey, Mags. What's up?"

"Well...I just..."

"Out with it already!"

"I just finished watching Igby Goes Down starring Kieran Culkin, and I just... I love you."

"Wait a minute... Who the fuck is Kieran Culkin?"

"He's one of Macauley's younger brothers."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

"How many of those Culkin's are there?"

"I don't know. Eight maybe."

"I hate Macauley Culkin."

"Didn't you here what I said?"

"No. Too busy hating Culkins."

"Fuck the Culkins. I love you, Hank. It's this big, beautiful, lusty love like in an Indiana Jones movie."

"Harrison Ford."

"Yes."

"So what does that have to do with the Culkins?"

"Well I was watching the movie, when I realized I love you."

"They're kind of like the Baldwins."

"Who are?"

"The Culkins. They're like the Baldwins. There's like ten of those guys."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Ummm...Joey, Jordan, Jonny, Dannie and Donny."

"That's the New Kids on the Block."

"No! The Baldwins have been around for years. It's the Culkins that are new!"

"Besides you only named five names. Not ten."

"Yeah. I left out Sleepy, Sneezy, Horny, Corny and ummm...."

"And Doc?"

"Wow. You said you loved me before."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"And?"

"I don't know. This is pretty hardcore shit, Maggie."

"I know."

"Do you mean Britney and Justin love? Or Ben and J-Lo love?"

"I don't even know what that means, Hank. I guess it would have to be like a Lucy and Desi love."

"You are serious."

"Yeah."

"Let's give it a shot then."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"Kiss me you oversized hunk of a man."

"Okay. Just do me one favor."

"Of course. Anything."

"Call me Macauley."

Oh yeah, so apparently this is what type o' hipster I am:

You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).


What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Jerry and the Post-Coital Oohing and Aahing

"Mmmm... That was great, Jerry."

"Thanks."

"No, I mean it. You've really outdone yourself this time. God, it's never felt that way before. Wow. You're really good at that."

"I know."

"No, man. This was... I'm still shaking."

"Are you done yet?"

"What?"

"With the whole 'oh yeah wow' thing. Are you done? I'm kind of tired, sweetie."

"Is something wrong? Was I not good?"

"You were fine, but I'm tired. Nothing's wrong. I just want to sleep."

"I...I don't know what to say, Jerry. I'm in shock."

"You're in shock?"

"Yes. I'm in shock."

"I always thought shock would be kind of a quieter state to be in."

"So you want me to shut up?"

"If you don't mind."

"I do mind, Jerry. I'm a woman. Most guys are incapable of doing what you just did, and I feel a need to tell you."

"So you told me."

"I did. But that's not how women work. You know that."

"I do?"

"Sure. When was the last time I told you something just one time?"

"Point well taken. But I view the whole thing as inconsiderate. I mean, if I was watching the game while you wanted to sleep, you'd bite my head off."

"So you bite mine off when I'm trying to be a considerate lover? That's fucked up!"

"No! I didn't bite your head off! I politely asked you to quiet down!"

"You're shouting, Jerry."

"No, I'm not!"

"I see where all this is coming from."

"No, you don't!"

"You have a fear of intimacy due to a psychological abandonment in childhood."

"No, I don't!"

"And as a result the coldness shown by your biological parents is projected by you onto me."

"No, it's not!"

"Furthermore, there is most likely an imbalance of melatonin in your right front penumbra."

"No, there's not!"

"There isn't?"

"No! I have a fear of you not shutting up because it's like three in the morning, and I'm tired. I have to be up at the crack of noon to go panhandle for us. Not to mention we're two homeless people having sex on a park bench in the Boston Common, or did I forget to mention that in the exposition?"

"What exposition?"

"Fuck you."

"I love it when you talk literary. Take me now, Jerry. Take me now!"