I've been listening to music from Avenue Q a lot recently. I don't know why.

ROD

Aah, an afternoon alone withMy favorite book, "BroadwayMusicals of the 1940s."No roommate to bother me.How could it get any better than this?

NICKY

Oh,hi Rod!

ROD

Hi Nicky.

NICKY

Hey Rod, you'll neverGuess what happened to me on the subway this morning.This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

ROD

That's very interesting.

NICKY

He was being real friendly,And I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!

ROD

Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?

NICKY

Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...

ROD

I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?I'm trying to read.

NICKY

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

ROD

I don't want to talk about it,Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKY

Yeah, but...

ROD

OVER!!!

NICKY

Well, okay, but just so you know —IF YOU WERE GAY, THAT'D BE OKAY.I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.BECAUSE YOU SEE,IF IT WERE ME,I WOULD FEEL FREETO SAY THAT I WAS GAY(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

ROD

Nicky, please!I am trying to read....What?!

NICKY

IF YOU WERE QUEER

ROD

Ah, Nicky!

NICKY

I'D STILL BE HERE,

ROD

Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.

NICKY

YEAR AFTER YEAR

ROD

Nicky!

NICKY

BECAUSE YOU'RE DEARTO ME,

ROD

Argh!

NICKY

AND I KNOW THAT YOU

ROD

What?

NICKY

WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,

ROD

I would?

NICKY

IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,"HEY! GUESS WHAT,I'M GAY!"(BUT I'M NOT GAY.) I'M HAPPYJUST BEING WITH YOU.

ROD

High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...

NICKY

SO WHAT SHOULD ITMATTER TO MEWHAT YOU DO IN BEDWITH GUYS?

ROD

Nicky, that's GROSS!

NICKY

No it's not! IF YOU WERE GAY, I'D SHOUT HOORAY!

ROD

I am not listening!

NICKY

AND HERE I'D STAY,

ROD

La la la la la!

NICKY

BUT I WOULDN'T GETIN YOUR WAY.

ROD

Aaaah!

NICKY

YOU CAN COUNT ON METO ALWAYS BEBESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,YOU WERE JUST BORNTHAT WAY,AND, AS THEY SAY,IT'S IN YOUR DNA,YOU'RE GAY!

ROD

BUT I'M NOT GAY!

NICKY

If you were gay.

ROD

Argh!

This site is changing. It's now going to be a showcase not only for my writing, but for my art as well.

Here are the pics from the zoo trip with Jamie the MILF:

A new dialogue for y'all. `S been a while.

Pretending To Be Crazy

"Mumble jumble wumble, loopidy-doo, dumba dumba doodle, scoopity-woo."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm practicing being crazy."

"Dare I ask why?"

"Dare. Dare."

"Why?"

"Because I need to break up with me girlfriend."

"You're practicing being crazy so you can break up with your girlfriend?"

"Yeah. I want to break up with me girlfriend."

"Me girlfriend?"

"Not yours. Mine. I'm going to pretend to be crazy so I can break up with me girlfriend."

"Why are you saying 'me' instead of 'my'? You're not English."

"I speak English."

"It's not the same thing."

"Whatever."

"No not whatever. How long have you been talking like this?"

"A fortnight or so."

"What the fuck is a fortnight?"

"Two weeks."

"Why didn't you just say that?"

"It's cool to talk English English. Like James Bond."

"That's cool?"

"Yeah. Nobody else does it. That makes me different. Different is cool."

"Since when?"

"Since always. It's cool to do deliberately do stuff different from other blokes."

"Will you stop that please?"

"What?"

"Dropping this little Englishisms all over the place. I think I'm going to throw up on your pretentious ass."

"What's wrong with me dialect?"

"Shut up!"

"What?"

"It's not cool to be different just for the sake of being different. You're like that guy with the cape."

"Carl?"

"Yeah."

"I like Carl."

"So what's this about your girlfriend."

"Well, I was over at her house and she started talking about commitment, and I just think it's a little soon."

"Hold on."

"What?"

"I'm still hung up on this English thing. You're such a prententious asshole. It's people like you who I hate."

"Why?"

"You're like 'oh, I can't listen to Britney Spears because that's popular music (as if that were so awful). I have to listen to Coltrane and Mingus.'"

"I like Britney Spears."

"No you don't. You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No really. I do like her. I own all her albums."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah. You want me to do the Hit Me Baby (One More Time) dance for you?"

"Yes please."

"Here goes. Mumble jumble wumble, loopidy-doo, dumba dumba doodle, scoopity-woo."

I saw [snort] Johann the other day. He's really fat. For those who don't know [snort] Johann is my former roommate. I peed on his toothbrush because he was fat and I didn't like him. That was probably the meanest thing I've ever done in my life. I'd like to tell [snort] Johann that I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. It would be wrong to lie, even to [snort] Johann.

I'm trying desparately to hang out with my friend Jamie (check her out at http://beingpregnant.tripod.com/images/pics_large/jamie.jpg) who is like this really cool (and pretty cute) older chick. There will be a dialogue that results out of the meeting (if it ever happens). More later.

I'm getting online more, which means that I'm going to probably update this thing once in a while. So hopefully I'll get some readers soon. Maybe I should advertise or something.

Has life got you down? Do people laugh at you like a clown? Are you afraid you might drown? Any time you're getting low, `stead of letting go, just remember that Hank! Whoops there goes another 2x4 plank. Doo doo de doo doomp. Oh God help me.

So there's this guy and his wife, and wifey is all like "Hey do you think I should get a boob job?" And guy is all "I think they could stand to be bigger, but why waste the money. Just rub `em with toilet paper, and they're sure to grow." Wifey is skeptical, but figures it's worth a shot. After several months, wifey is all like "Hey, my boobs ain't grown. Are you sure toilet paper is suppost to make `em get bigger?" And the guy is all like "Hey, it worked on your ass." Hahahahahahahaha! Excuse me while I brood. Later.

Well, I went to celebmatch.com to find out which celebrity I was cosmically destined to do... And the winners are:
Akiko Yada 99%
Estella Warren 99%
Nicole da Silva 97%
Summer Altice 97%
Jen Cook 97%

I don't know who any of these people are.

Love, Hate and the Culkin Family (A Dialogue)

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hank."

"Hello? Who is this?"

"It's me. Maggie."

"Oh. Hey, Mags. What's up?"

"Well...I just..."

"Out with it already!"

"I just finished watching Igby Goes Down starring Kieran Culkin, and I just... I love you."

"Wait a minute... Who the fuck is Kieran Culkin?"

"He's one of Macauley's younger brothers."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

"How many of those Culkin's are there?"

"I don't know. Eight maybe."

"I hate Macauley Culkin."

"Didn't you here what I said?"

"No. Too busy hating Culkins."

"Fuck the Culkins. I love you, Hank. It's this big, beautiful, lusty love like in an Indiana Jones movie."

"Harrison Ford."

"Yes."

"So what does that have to do with the Culkins?"

"Well I was watching the movie, when I realized I love you."

"They're kind of like the Baldwins."

"Who are?"

"The Culkins. They're like the Baldwins. There's like ten of those guys."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Ummm...Joey, Jordan, Jonny, Dannie and Donny."

"That's the New Kids on the Block."

"No! The Baldwins have been around for years. It's the Culkins that are new!"

"Besides you only named five names. Not ten."

"Yeah. I left out Sleepy, Sneezy, Horny, Corny and ummm...."

"And Doc?"

"Wow. You said you loved me before."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"And?"

"I don't know. This is pretty hardcore shit, Maggie."

"I know."

"Do you mean Britney and Justin love? Or Ben and J-Lo love?"

"I don't even know what that means, Hank. I guess it would have to be like a Lucy and Desi love."

"You are serious."

"Yeah."

"Let's give it a shot then."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"Kiss me you oversized hunk of a man."

"Okay. Just do me one favor."

"Of course. Anything."

"Call me Macauley."